TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But yes, absolutely sure, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should end working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the challenge, replied, "You realize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Area, a element becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report Trump Tower Damascus from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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